In my career I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve guided and advised someone through a time of transformation, growth, and rebirth. And accountability is one of my biggest values, so I also consciously work through (myself and with extra support) my own periods of renewal. All of these words--transformation, growth, rebirth, renewal--inspire us and drive us. They look and sound beautiful, and stir visions of a new and improved version of ourselves. But the truth is growth and rebirth doesn’t usually look so pretty while it’s happening. It can be a bloody mess (hi, labor) and, more often than not, is painful as fuck (hello again, labor). This is why we usually avoid exactly the things we need to trigger transformation--because subconsciously we know how hard it’s going to be to get through. Plus, change sucks sometimes.
When I started Arcana Herbal with Sadie and Erica all those years ago, I’d dream about what it’d look like in 5, 10, 20 years. We’d hit rough patches and challenges, and I’d have plenty of stress and worry, sure, but truly I can tell you I saw myself there always, for good. I poured my heart and my soul into that business, and in return I had the privilege of working with my best friends doing what I love. And for a long time that filled my heart and my soul right back up.
My intention in writing this isn’t to provide the private details regarding my decision. I intend to pay tribute to the 5 ½ years that were some of the best of my life.
I will forever carry an overabundance of gratitude for the Arcana Herbal chapter of my life. From 25-30 years old, and probably some of the most I’ve changed and transformed--ironically by going back to my roots. Owning my first business is how I finally was able to embrace who I truly was, and began shedding the image I’d been assuming others expected to see. We faced so many challenges and so many of our own fears and insecurities, it bonded the three of us while also individualizing us--something I hadn’t really realized as much until now, and it brings a soft smile.
With individualization comes exploration, the broadening of horizons, and vast distances. There’s a bittersweet nature here; becoming and embodying your authentic truth is the ultimate goal, yes? But it requires movement for everyone, sometimes in completely different directions. Some moves are in your control, some aren’t at all. Some moves were part of the plan, others are shifts in intuition. Some moves keep you on the same path, others take you into new territory. And some moves can be incredibly painful, for you and for other people. No matter what the move is, truly no matter what, you have to speak and live your truth. No person that suffocates their inner truth doesn’t regret it--we’ve all done it. And sometimes the hardest and most painful decisions are the most significant and wholehearted ones.
As I turn to walk out the door, I give this chapter of my life the biggest, heartfelt hug. With so many tears in my eyes I say thank you to Erica, Sadie, our incredible community, and to this chapter’s version of myself. This has been probably the most fun part of my journey so far, and I will always look on it with love and appreciation. The time has come, and with a huge lump in my throat, and an aching but overflowing heart, I say, “Goodbye.”